The Pain with No Name

When a child loses a parent, the child is an orphan. When a wife loses a husband, she is a widow. When a husband loses a wife, he is a widower. However, when a parent loses a child, there is no name to describe the loss. Losing a child in death is the pain with no name. There is no name or word to describe the pain felt when a parent experiences such grief.

Saturday, January 28, 2006, our family experienced that pain which cannot be described when my sister and brother-n-law lost their son during child birth due to food poisoning that had flooded through my sister's body days earlier. She was in the hospital because of flu like symptoms. The decision was made to induce labor to protect the baby since the baby was at full term. A few hours later, my brother-n-law called to give me the bad news that they had lost their baby son, John David. He had passed away during the birthing process. In the days to follow, as we held on to hope that my sister would survive, we mourned for the loss of the baby. Those are two experiences I pray I will never have to face again, losing a nephew and almost losing my only sister. Years later there are moments of sadness as my mind recalls those memories.

Then November 24, 2006, the Friday after Thanksgiving, that same year Thomas (my husband) and I experienced a miscarriage during the early stages of our first pregnancy. We were so saddened. It felt like we too had lost a child. When I came home from the hospital that Friday, confirming the pain I was experiencing was indeed a miscarriage, I laid on the bed and cried. Thomas went to the mailbox and discovered a package.

The package was a book from Joel Osteen. I had not ordered a book. This was a God moment, ordered by God. When I opened the book, the devotional on the page titled "The 'Why' Questions" was about King David losing his own newborn baby. The devotional went through the pain King David experienced, then the decision King David made to trust God in the midst of his disappointment (2 Samuel 12:16-23).

In my greatest time of need, the answer had arrived in the mailbox. God had arranged for my mother to order the book weeks earlier, so it would arrive on the very day I needed it, so I would open the book to the very page on losing a child and asking why, so God could turn the pain into purpose.

When we don't understand why, we should ask what. What good would God have come of this pain?

The Sunday after my miscarriage, I was still in physical pain. There was a drive in me to get to church, regardless of how I felt. That morning, I was on the stage introducing the pastor. I began to cry and then felt the need to share what had happened with our loss and the message in the mailbox. I went on to say if there were others who were still waiting on their message in the mailbox, then know God loves them very much, does not wish them harm, and he would carry them through their pain. Afterwards, there were several people that expressed how much the experience had touched them and would help others in their family get through their own struggles.

John David, my baby nephew in Heaven, was able to reach more people with the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ through his death than many of us will be able to reach with our lives. Hundreds of people were brought to a place of prayer and reflection on what was most important in life, surrendering our lives to God today because we are not promised a second chance tomorrow.

As Joyce Meyer says often, "You can be bitter or better. The choice is yours." Look for the purpose in your pain. God cares about your pain. He wants to help you become better and make something good (purpose) come from your life's struggles.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 2 Peter 5:6-10 NIV

Heather Harris
October 3, 2008